Episode 2: My Decision – Yes? No?

Thank you for your responses on my previous blog.

NOTE: This is in continuation to my previous blog. If you haven’t already read it, you can click here.

Heaving a sigh of relief on getting a return ticket, I started back. But the thoughts in my head and the fears in my mind were uncontrollable. I hid myself under the sheet and started crying.

While all the co-passengers were watching a movie and enjoying their journey; here I was –
Sitting uncomfortably,
Crying inconsolably,
With a heart of heaviness.

Neither the morning light, nor the return to my work life brought me relief from the heaviness I was carrying. I could hardly work that day and returned to my Paying Guest accommodation in the night. I couldn’t sleep. I was crying all through the night, when I had this thought out of nowhere – Why not pray about it when I can do nothing worrying about it?

I knelt down and my heart truthfully meant each word of this song. I was desperate for an answer of peace.

Here I am – down on my knees again
Surrendering all!
Find me here
Lord as You draw me near
Desperate for You
With arms stretched wide
I know You hear my cry
Speak to me now…

I was very specific in my prayer. I knew what I wanted, and I prayed exactly for what I wanted. I wanted God to say “NO”, so I can not only be at peace, but also give a confident answer to my parents quoting God’s will. Just as curious as I was to hear Him speak to me, so eager was I to receive the answer I was expecting. Don’t we all do the same, most of the time? – We have our agenda set and we want God to follow it. But, God doesn’t work that way, and it took me a while to realize it that night.

Coming back to my agenda, here’s the list of questions and answers I had for God – yeah, I had the answers too. Doesn’t that make the job easy for God? Funny, but that was what I was doing, without giving it much real thought.

Question1: My dad says that he is peaceful about this. What should I do about it?
Answer1: You can ignore it!

Question2: I have a lot of fears and my thoughts are troubling me. How do you want me to overcome them all?
Answer2: Your fears are real. So, stick to what you want.

Question3: What do you want me to do about this proposal? Should I say Yes? Or, No?
Answer3: No!

Don’t you think that looks a pretty straight forward, uncomplicated and easy one for God to respond? It might sound weird and funny to you as it does to me now, but I was hopeless and desperate back then.

I finished my earnest prayer with the list of questions and intently started reading the Bible, expecting Him to speak to me.

To my amazement, He wonderfully answered all my questions and in the sequence I put them before Him. But, it made me feel awfully terrible.

Since the calendar was showing 10th, I was reading from Proverbs 10 at 3 A.M. And the very first verse answered my first question.

Question1: My dad says that he is peaceful about this. What should I do about it?
Answer1: A wise son makes a glad father. Proverbs 10:1

Well, I understand that He wants me to have the same peace as my dad has, but that was not what I asked for. Still, I was eagerly waiting for the next two answers, hoping they would not be against my desires.

I started reading from my daily portion, which was Ecclesiastes and I continued reading through it as the Spirit of God was guiding me. I already knew there were verses related to marriage in Ecclesiastes, but God wasn’t speaking to me through them and I was pleased He was on my side. But, to my utter disappointment, the answer to my second question was not in my favor again.

Question2: I have a lot of fears and my thoughts are troubling me. How do you want me to overcome them all?
Answer2: In the multitude of dreams and many words, there is vanity. But, you fear God. Ecclesiastes 5:7

This answer hit me – it was as if someone gave me a tight slap on my face and said, “Your fears are so dumb and meaningless. Start fearing God, instead of worrying about your unrealistic fears which make no sense.”

I was still crying, desperately hoping that I would receive a last answer which would be in my favor. How adamant I was in my decision! I made up my mind and I wanted God to answer it the way I wanted. He was still putting up with my stubbornness and answering me patiently.

Question3: What do you want me to do about this proposal? Should I say YES? Or, a resounding NO?
Answer3: It is good that you should take hold of this. Don’t withdraw your hand. Ecclesiastes 7:18

What more can I say? That was a direct and straight answer to my question. He said, “YES!”

I had no choice. I accepted His will for my life, against my own.

All my fears melted and merged into the chaos of darkness. So, I made a decision that morning and I said YES to God.

Many times, we are so lost in our own world. We pray but we hardly allow God to speak to us or work in our lives. We make our own decisions. But, from what I have received and how I have benefitted through His promises, I can strongly say, His plans are higher than ours.

He works in ways we cannot see…
But, He will make a way!

P.S: Next week, you can read about “My Response.”
If you found answers to the questions you had, I’d love to hear them, too.